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Uncle's January-dilemma -- Arindam Mukherjee

What’s new guys? Old uncle has initiated pulling out of Syria. And in doing so he has cascaded two different kind of arrangements. One end, ‘ISIL’ bombs – minus the PLEASE STAY! banner – have suddenly started exploding where there are uncle troops. At the other end, new uncle-roots have started appearing in Iraq.

Used to be a time when uncle could get away with anything; now uncle-dramatics are impressing less and less people these days, and those obligatory MSM headlines remain restricted as justification points of the establishment for bombing or invading this or that territory. ‘The papers carried that news; we oughta do something – its liberty we are defending after all’ kinda arrangement.  

Whether uncle stays or leaves Syria, especially under the latest light, remains to be seen. If uncle goes to Iraq as decided earlier, then he has to face competition from Iran, who’s got a good thing going within Iraq. The Lord and Master of the Universe, would then have to begin fresh negotiations on a tricky middle eastern terrain that is a mix of Sunni and Shia, and Kurds thrown in (98% Iraqi Kurds are Sunnis, but they generally don’t care it seems) – deeply tribal guys who over the past thousands of years have had their private and often severely truncated/mutated evolution into the modernized world of western ideologies, suits, and ties (which is a decent way of pointing out that uncle knows shit about these people). On this ground, the Lord and Master has to arm-wrestle with the Iranians: semi-LOCALS – literally boys-next-door, who, after having made inroads following the ‘Saddam had WMDs’ fiasco, are dug-in solid. Digest that. Lord against a local pissant. I guess the Lord IS ACTUALLY thinking hard. Why else would those bombs go off? Explosive is uncle’s mother tongue; that’s uncle speaking.

The teams are interesting too. Closer home, you have the likes of Soleimani, Zarif, Rouhani, a few other faces that most of us don’t see, and their lobbies within Iraq. At the other end you have specimens that are, or close to Nikki Lets have a war with North Korea Haley, Steve Lets have a war with China Bannon, Mike Lets have a war with Iran Pompeo, John Lets have a war with Venezuela Bolton, Penta Lets have a war with Russia gon, and the likes. They too have their lobbies within Iraq I understand. Lobbies that they have created by trying to lay some pipelines to Jordan to supply oil and gas. To Jordan. For money. I don’t know if it has occurred to them that the Iraqis probably realize that money they can get even if they sell their oil and gas outside Jordan. To the rest of the world. Probably staying back in Syria would be easier. PLEASE STAY!... BOOM! See?

Back to wars: A great military philosopher that I know says military asshole-ism comes in three levels: Plain Stupid, Really Fucking Stupid, and Invade Russia Stupid. While the first two play havoc with your unit’s collective life, the last one plays with yours. Then, there is the fact that uncle hasn’t won a war since a REALLY LONG time. Tragic; considering how he remains forever kicked about waging this or that war. Beirut, Moga-dishoom, goatherders in chappals, rice farmers minus chappals… look, I don’t need to repeat really. Add to that the recent inclusion of a long line of SJWs and AAs in his army fighting for bathrooms, dildos, and shit. Inefficient weapons that are falling apart. Destroyers that get accidentally slashed by mid-sized fish trawlers. Aircrafts that don’t take off. Soldiers that sit and cry about self-esteem when caught by Iranian navy. Here is the thing: short of pressing that red button, I don’t see uncle scaring any one; leave alone battle-hardened Yemenis or Afghans.

And yet, a little away from Syria and in mainland Europe, you can discern a faint clamour for a Russian invasion.

But I have spent enough time in the corporate to not get carried away by it. This attack Russia is like inflating the sales target during the yearly conference. Long wars are profitable. Uncle has really upped his proficiency levels in proxy war and in keeping the home casualty low. So Russia as a stretched target might fetch a couple of small wars in the Middle East and Europe. Low-intensity, long, proxy wars spread across this or that pocket isn’t a bad option. Not half as good a business as Chinese Eurasian Integration; but, can’t complain. The thing is, Iranians, Syrians… most of them in fact, guess this too.

The only one acting like a prick in this whole affair is Scrooge McDuck. His polarizing personality – which is a source of great entertainment for the mass – is unwittingly getting the common hick dangerously close to discovering the fact that all those wars including GWOT could be scams. I don’t know how well that’s gonna sit with them but with noises of impeachment coming from this or that lobby, I can assume that it could be upsetting for the elite. It is tough to balance: bombing, with the MSM as their guiding beacon, and keeping up appearances in public. That’s why they loved the last man so much. He looked classy even while digging nose.  

Ok, so that was Uncle-Iran-Iraq. As far as Uncle-Sultan-Kurds are concerned, Scrooge McDuck, a few days ago had threatened the Sultan. Hey Tayyab Ali pyar ke dushman, am moving out out out. But I am gonna keep a watch; if you touch the Kurds, I am gonna sanction you to hell. I am getting you a 30 kms safe zone, be happy with that. And you, PIA (Putin Iran Assad) gang, I am gonna watch you all – everyone! Might send a few bombs or planes now and then, from here or there.

Not saying that this would be clean. One look at those PLEASE STAY bombs and you’d know cleanliness could be a creature in Saturn, where uncle-FP is concerned. But thats not what I am thinking. Far away from cleanliness and shit, Lord and Master in his current mood (losing, tweeting, bombing, thinking… what’s gonna happen as these wars go by) is reminding me of Mick Jagger’s Spider and the Fly.

Awesome piece. Razia hates it though. Blues lover must give it a hear. 

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